Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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