Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
