Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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