I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
