theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
