just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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