My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
