i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
