stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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