I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
