i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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