I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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