I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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