ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
