Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
