Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
