i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
