I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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