dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
