Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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