Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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