A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
