i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
