I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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