Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
