awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
