I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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