I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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