How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
