My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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