Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
