I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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