My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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