I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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