I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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