some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
