Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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