if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
