So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
