He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize