i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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