Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
