he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
