You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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