I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
