everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
