o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
