I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
