im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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