smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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