Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize