I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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