I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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