and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
