3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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