i don't like sucking hair
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
