I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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