I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
