barbara walters just said penis...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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