We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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