I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize